Did you ever feel like yourself is not you anymore? or all the words that leave your tongue feel like they came from someone else?
Because I did.
Not to be dramatic but, this is so confused me.
I wonder: WHEN? When did i became this bad, unhappy, hopeless, lonely, and feel empty.
Then i found the answer.
MIDDLE SCHOOL.
Even if i try very very very hard, i still cant remember a single happy moment there.
All i can remember is i had so many failures, judgemental environment that freaking me out, gossips, fake friends, circles that didnt accept me, and the pressure of expectation.
Those are what make me a different person. My perspective changed from positive to really negative. Toxic friendship that left me out. It scares me a lot, you know? And the hardest thing is, I couldnt do anything. I just sit and get caught in the constant motion of time.
Then corona exists…
And things just got better! I became closer with my family. And i feel like the old me is just back. I start to see myself again after long time. Just to be honest, iam so very really grateful of this pandemic. I know, i know. Im so selfish. I just care with myself. Im so sorry, but thats the truth.
I just think what if this pandemic doesnt exist. Will i get more worst? Or maybe i will definetly be so fine?
But then, one day i looked up back to my past. Looking the reasons why all this time i feel unhappy, sad, depressed, hopeless, and empty. Yeah thats right! The answer is not because of MIDDLE SCHOOL, or TEACHERS, or RIDICULOUS SUBJECTS. But because i always avoiding problems and never face it with my own way.
When i have a problem i always ask help to someone. Not because i want ‘we’ to face it together, but because i want he/she to be my shield. If that way doesnt work, i always avoiding it. And whats the cause? I became a coward. A jerk. A fool that always scared of the future.
The problem is not MIDDLE SCHOOL, BUT ITS ME!
One massage from this post is, if you have problems, please dont avoid them or even worst give up on them. Just face it with confidence then shake it off with your sharp word that you have been honing all this time.
Thank you.
A Story of My Life Ep. 01
samudravenus 